Diving Deep Into Trust

This is the final posting (well for now, anyway :), until new awarenesses bubble up ) on trust that I've been pondering. It's a long one.

Background posts are Emotions; Focus, Perspectives, Choice; Using Fear in Tantra; Responsibility Without Blame; Needs, Wants, Desires; Needs 2; Relationship Patterns; Welllll....

Actually, most of the other posts in March and February, and many past posts in the Relationship tag have something to do with this topic as it's been my place of learning. I've been workin' it.
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New (but now Captain-Obvious-to-me) connections on the current pondercations:

It occurs to me that I don't go into a spiral about lack of trust in something unless it's triggering a core issue for me. Because it pushes my buttons that means it’s fodder for great insight about myself. If it wasn't important to me, it wouldn't be important. I am re-remembering that my trust issues are simply that. Mine.

It occurs to me that I don't often think about trust unless it's broken. I don't remember walking around saying...ooh, I trust this, and yes, I trust that during the course of a day. It's just a given.

I have, however, focused on the absence of trust. Lots. I've gone into spirals for weeks, trying to figure things out, sift and sort and find my way back to myself. In fact, I think it would be safe to say that lack of trust is at the core of every one of my upsets.When I am in a trusting space, rather than label it "trust" I simply call it "happy." On one end of the "stick" of trust is the Tarot Archetype of The Fool. When she is present, I know I am connected to my Voice, my relationships (with myself, others and the universe). She embraces Life without fear, seeing each challenge as the opportunity for expansion. She is a state of allowing, a childlike innocence and wonder, remembering my connection to all that is, moving forward with a light heart, believing in my place in all of it.

Moving along the stick, there's a kind of trust that most of us have decided is wise, but benevolent. I keep a watchful eye until the lay of the land feels sturdy, mostly trusting until I am given reason not to. No biggie, world is tweaked but not rocked. I can still easily detach because my core buttons aren't engaged.

The more engaged I become, the more upset I am when something doesn't work out. The more I incrementally care about a particular situation or person, the more my buttons are triggered. Core issues pull. The hole that they are requires filling. The more I invest of myself, the more these unhealed issues want something in return. They start to expect certain things from people and Life to feel "OK."

Ultimately, when I have a huge investment in something/one "out there" and my story about them is really important to me, when things don't go my way I'm devastated.

In those crisis moments of acute "shit happening out there," there is no grounding in sight for this gal...it's total flight. I can feel myself about five feet from my body. With constant triggering of crisis, I can eventually talk myself into total shut down mode. When I'm in chronic untrusting mode, I feel sadness, disconnect, a shutting down of my heart and life force. If I've stayed there long, I can feel the heaviness in my body and the weight of it pushing down on my brain.

On my imaginary Trust stick, the opposite end of The Fool is Fear and the places it takes me. I want to bury, bury, bury, hide, protect, bury. Chocolate and wine are my helpers of choice. In extreme times, rolling myself into a ball and putting covers over my head serve nicely.

When Fear takes over, Trust is nowhere to be found. I have discovered that every fear, every fear, comes from the place of believing that if this thing happens (or doesn't as the case may be) I will not be OK.


I see the Universe as a compassionate place. But that does not mean it's a warm and fuzzy place. It has not been my experience that the world will change so I can feel better. If I don’t want to retreat from Life, I have to find my place in it. Then things will either change or not…and I get to go deeper if the “not” upsets me again.

So...how to "do" this practice of finding my way out of the Fear/Distrust?

Although I'd like to report that after twenty years of doing this stuff, that I segue easily into peace, the truth is I don't (as is evidenced through the progression of this blog). It is getting much better and takes much less time overall in the various cycles. Then I get smwacked again. Just like I did for a few days last week.

When stuff's up big time, I tend to muck around for awhile, forgetting all I know. I wallow, I wail, I whine. Fear is so powerful that I start to question everything. When my big buttons are triggered, it's the annihilation of the universe as I know it.

Somehow, some way, sometimes only when I've reached my bottom, I finally remember what's really going on. I find one tiny place where I can climb out of my gaping hole of neeeeed and get "outside myself" to see that I have created a Dance. A Dance that does not blame the universe, others or me. This reminder, in and of itself, leads to a slight shift.

Eventually I start to recognize I'm in the middle of my own drama. I be gentle with myself about that, and voila...I shift even more. I start to go deeper and figure out what fear is triggering this reaction.

When I am able to isolate the fear as deeply as I can, I start to ask my questions: What is the worst thing that could happen if this feared thing becomes part of my experience? Am I truly at risk here or making myself at risk because of my stories and the importance I'm giving them? What are my expectations doing to me and why do I think I need them? What is this trying to teach me about me? Can I change my beliefs, expectations/requirements about others and life to feel happy, healthy, balanced and whole?

Because I ultimately want to engage and be fully and happily alive, I've had to. In the quest to learn ultimate trust in my life, I've had to redefine and rewrite my stories about what it means to be safe. Through living each stage of my fear, I've learned that, in fact, I am OK if I let go of my expectations, definitions and stories. I’ve learned and embodied new levels of what "safe" means at each stage of the journey.

I believe that by diving into my core Trust issues I’ve been given a great opportunity. It has not been easy because I’m such a slow learner, so persistent in my clinging to my pain, and getting stuck in my fears. No blame, just responsibility.

Through all these ups and downs, I’ve rediscovered one of my Truths: Ultimately, if I am dealing with a core issue that has placed me in a "dark night of the soul"ripping apart situation, the progressive questions of “what will happen if this does not meet my expectations” always lead me to Death. What is the worst thing that could happen? I could die.

But that, too, isn’t the end. For me, there’s one more question: If I do...will I be OK? Will I be safe?

That, my friends, is where all this takes me, that existential angsty place that is so easy to giggle at. It’s the ultimate drama and The One we avoid. But for me, after diving into the fear of annihilation, it’s been so freeing. For when I finally (after months/years of stories of justifications of “rightness” in clinging to my fears and distrust) look and remember that it all comes back to Death, I can finally let go a even more and put things in perspective. I get to see my small stories as merely a part of something bigger than this issue in front of me.

I guess what I'm getting around to here is that ultimately, it is my belief that my Trust questions and finding my way back into an alive and juicy life can only be answered by my personal Spiritual Path stories. It has nothing to do with one religion or path in particular, not about whether I believe in whatever flavor of God or not. Hell...we studied Football as a "religion" of sorts when I got my degree.

It's simply about how I answer the Big Questions in life and if those answers/stories bring me more peace or more pain.

So fucking what if telling a different kind of story makes me happier and if that story is viewed by others as “delusion?” I like that it makes me a better functioning and happy person in the world, better able find fulfillment and peace? What the fuck??? "What-is-itis" certainly isn't serving me, if by doing so all I can focus on is lack and pain. Everything created begins with a thought, an idea, an intention that comes out of “not that.” If I want to create something new, I have to imagine it first, then firmly believe it to facilitate the ups and downs of its birth. It does not serve me to argue for my limitations.

If my stories about the Big Questions eventually lead to the ultimate question with Death, then anything else in front of me is ultimately piddly. This tiny (in the scope of the Universe) issue/situation can transmute from a place of Victimhood, need and gaping holes to a place of power. My vision shifts from betrayal to this as merely part of a huge picture. And that Big Piece is what I DO trust…not all my little fears, justifications, stories about “what is” in this moment and my dramatic flip outs.

It’s been my experience that my buttons bind me to a person/situation, precisely because they want to be worked out. The stronger the hurt, the more important or big the button, the more juice there is behind it and the higher I can ultimately fly. Part of my story is that this shit is not random. We get to use our fuckedupness as the unique signposts to our places of greatest power. Once I figure it out, the click occurs at a body level and this Dance is no longer needed. The hook vanishes into the ethers and I go "what was I thinking???" Pfft...healing occurs.

And then it’s on to the next one!!!

Cuz (as one of my Teachers says) we never get it wrong and we never get it done. That can bring a sense of exhaustion, perhaps. But for me, it's completely freeing...no pressure...all is well, there is nothing to fear even if I can't see it right now in front of me.

My story tells me that once I’ve mastered one level, there’s another one around the corner because that's what happens in creation...it's always recreating itself. When confronted with what I don't want, I get more clear about what I do want and create somethine anew. I have a choice to hate that about life or embrace it. I’m learning (I think...well, at this level, anyway) to embrace challenge more and more, not fighting it as much. I continue to work on and embody the story that challenge is a part of Life because it’s from challenge that new thought/feelings/being grow. That it’s not “bad,” it simply “is.” Baby steps, two forward, one back.

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So…this is the journey I’ve been taking…yet, again. The diving inward to the core. The biggest piece for me this time has been learning my body more in all of it. These stories, doing this work is about the thought/emotion part of dealing with Trust. It’s a vital piece for me as I want to change my stories, as I’ve said here and in numerous background posts.

But this cycle I’ve also tuned into the ways in which even this process can keep me stuck if I’m not careful about my energy and intent. I can fool myself. I’ve walked the sneaky line telling myself a story of happiness when oftentimes, I’m simply burying. Tricksy.

It’s about allowing all of the energy that runs through my body, while not staying attached to the stories I make up about them. It’s a subtle difference and has taken lots of awareness on my part to discern when I was off course. These days, when I feel terror, I go fully into it, but not assigning any stories to it in the moment…just feel pure, unadulterated terror. After that episode is over, I return to the stories to self soothe, but I don’t try to story my way out of acute episodes of terror any more.

With the dive, I’ve been noticing interesting things. One is that I’m getting even more zappies of energy flow. When I go fully into the terror, they get really strong and I get an oozie orgasm, often resulting in lasting tinglies in my yoni (pussy, cunt). My body feels like it’s awakening even more, deeper layers of enlivening are returning.

My relationship and what has transpired for us has triggered every core Trust issue I have. Not only in relationship issues, but in Life. I still trust this here with my Loverman, even though I have no idea what that means or the ways in which the coming days/weeks will help me redefine my safety. I don't know "what" or "how" to trust, or even how to do any of this. I get a hit/sense it has to do with letting go of needing to know what to let go of, then letting go even more...and isn't that simply trusting ???

Paradoxical Free Fall isn’t nearly as scary when I dive in, especially since the worst thing that can happen is that I die. And if I die and what it's what I think it will be, that'll be really cool. And if there's nothing, I won't give a shit because I'll be dead.

The Fool image is from the Motherpeace Tarot. Still, after 25 years, my Tarot deck of choice.