The one who touches my Spirit is Elizavetta of Vespertine Erotica.
Every so often I run across someone who doesn't feel like a new friend. They share my visions of the world and how it works. We speak the same language. I noticed right off the bat, easing into a space of feeling like I'd known Elizavetta forever. Instead of something new, it feels familiar...like a long time friend who I haven't spoken to for awhile and we're catching up on the years since we last spoke. She is one example of why I love the internet and give huge thanks for this Blogland providing opportunities to run into Teachers I might not otherwise meet.
When Elizavetta and Naranja, her husband, wrote their blog called Tea and Oranges I was mesmerized. Here is a couple doing the Spirit Work of conscious relationship through BDSM and the Tao. Right up this gal's alley, for sure. It helped that both of them are great writers, but what I so appreciated was their willingness to open up their very private, intensely personal process of dealing with emotional spaces that most people won't even explore, much less lay bare for the world to see. I especially resonated with this post...not in the specific event memory that was triggered for Elizavetta, but where she went to emotionally and what she/they did with all that came up. I felt my body go into memory sensations when I read that post. I've been there. Gorgeous. Sigh....
Last week, Elizavetta invited bloggers to answer this question:
"What is the higher purpose of my specific set of sexual desires at this point in my life?
Mmmmmmm....yum. I've been sitting with the question and feel I have come up with at least the beginning of an answer.
First off, to explain....
I see that every experience, feeling, relationship in life provides us with the opportunity to grow spiritually....if we want to and want to do the work of it. I want to be sure to say that I don't see this as everyone's task in life....there is no "right" way to "be." (in fact, I sometimes think it a curse). But this is who I am, this is where I live internally. And I likey. So...with that in mind:
My strongest set of sexual desires this cycle is to be taken and to submit to some power/force greater than me.
I want to experience total mind/body/spirit/emotional ravishment on a regular basis.
I want to be taken beyond myself by someone physically, mentally and emotionally stronger than I.
I want him (and I want it to be a him) to be smarter, energetically bigger, more intense than I; someone I admire, someone who holds my body, spirit, mind and heart as precious.
I want to be met, then overpowered, by strong, self-contained, essential powerful male energy so fully embodied in my partner on all levels of mind, body and spirit that all I can do is bow down in awe and adoration of him.
The higher purpose of all these connected desires?
My logical mind can point to a number of deep psychological things I've discovered in the past that may be related to why I have these specific desires:
-I want to learn how to receive.
-It's no news that I'm an intense person.
-It's been suggested by more then one man (hm...no women, though) that I am wounded.
-A major theme in a number of areas of my life has been a running away from being controlled on any level.
-I've had this body sense/hit that if I ever really let go fully into the depths of my heart, the man in front of me would be smothered by the abyss of my need for awhile.
-I'm always perceived (by myself and others) as "the strong one."
-I yearn for union with The Beloved (the Divine Spark).
-I control lots of aspects of my life to stay emotionally "safe," always thinking ahead before diving into situations.
-I want to learn to say yes to life more, instead of holding back.
And I'm sure I'm forgetting or am not aware of at least 32 more areas of My Deep that contribute to this desire I have.
Thing is...I've found that I never know what emotions will surface in the middle of Deep Sex. And once they surface, I don't know what course they will take. All I can do is feel then figure it out and integrate later. I've been astounded at what's come up when I follow my Desires (especially my Dark ones) and experience them fully. Sure, my Tantra training changed me sexually...but nowhere near the changes that happened in my psyche on all sorts of levels.
I always say that the Universe is a very interesting place. And it's tricksy. I have no idea what Spiritual Gifts will eventually come forth when I allow deep places to open up inside me. I don't know where feelings will lead or what the outcomes will be.
But I know there's something there that will take me higher than I am now. I've devoted my life to exploring these deeper aspects of the psyche and what I call "the energy of things." I believe that if my desires are fulfilled, the realizations will reveal places I've either been unwilling or not had the opportunity to visit and learn from before. And although I don't know how "who Gillette is" will look, I know I won't be the same person I was before I experienced them- on any level.
So it seems I have the beginning of an answer to Elizavetta's question and an eagerness to discover more. And I will. With this brain, it's inevitable.
9 comments:
In many ways, as you know, I could have written this post. I am sure that the One you seek is out there for you.
What you speak of is my kinda edge play. I gotta have it. There is a knot in me that gnaws like a wild beast at me....its that need to have this thing you describe so eloquently....and most of my emotions about it are the same.
((hugs)) This is the good stuff Gillette. I can't wait to watch it unfold....because if you are anything like me, then once you name it clearly and set the wish in motion, it does not take long.
I predict 8 or 9 months max and we'll be reading all about the life of a submissive here....*smiles*
Could be, Greenwoman. I've always identified myself as more of a sub than not. In fact, I had a master (which I've talked about..I think it's in the BDSM archives). I learned the higher reasons for my yearnings at that time, but must be other things for me now.
Hugs!!
Wow, you really DID use this question as a jumping off point... like a trampoline, baby!
Really, though, I'm so delighted that my focus question inspired you.
Having read you for some time, I can see that you live your life, as you say, as the "strong one," a woman in control of her life. But, as Greenwoman said, it does sound like it's time for a change; a balancing out.
Not that the change is necessarily about becoming "a" submissive, but perhaps that it's simply time for you to dance those particular steps again, but at a different level of understanding or purpose.
One of the things I learned during our Tea and Oranges time is that I was not "a" submissive. I am a woman who is both submissive and dominant and everything in between. It's just that, at that time in my life, I had over developed and therefore exhausted my need for being dominant; I longed to surrender, as you say, to something greater than myself.
Not that I saw Naranja-the-man as greater than me, but that he could act as the agent of, well, literally, the god I was seeking to surrender to.
How you describe yourself and your desires in this post sounds very similar to how I felt when Naranja and I began Tea and Oranges... which just made me realize that I think maybe it's time to write a little more on what happened after we stopped writing on that blog.
How things ended up working out after Tea and Oranges "happily ever after" ending is probably not what people might have expected :) Though, maybe some would not be surprised at all.
Ah, another post for later...
Right now, though, I want you to know that I applaud your courage here, your willingness to risk. And as usual, I am completely taken by your ability to so eloquently articulate your feelings.
I look forward with great interest to your continuing, but perhaps now differently choreographed, Dance with the Beloved.
May it be amazing. May you find your duende.
Just exploring the whole BDSM issue myself...you have helped me considerably with your perspective ...
Greetings, Elizavetta-
All I can say is "yes, true that" to all you said, especially this:
"Not that the change is necessarily about becoming "a" submissive, but perhaps that it's simply time for you to dance those particular steps again, but at a different level of understanding or purpose."
and
"...I had over developed and therefore exhausted my need for being dominant"
I don't have a vision of what all this means in terms of walking through the relationship...like...I don't think it's the accoutrements of being a "sub." It's the energy I'm after...which I thought I had found with Loverman...
So this is not necessarily "new." I've been noticing aspects of this building for years. I want what I wanted and thought I had invited in; just stated anew and at its essence.
I will look forward to hearing about the next steps after "Tea and Oranges."
I am happy you are in my life.
Hey, Tryingtolearn..would love to hear about your journey!!! Happy travels.
You certainly will charming Gillette...just starting down the path...although I sincerely doubt I could be as thought provoking and nuanced as yourself and Elizavetta
Gillette -- You are the most amazingly emotionally person I've encountered, I think. It's funny... I've played D/s games, and enjoyed them... but suddenly, recently, I've 'felt' submissive. It may be because I've encountered a man who is all the things you've listed here, and I long to relinquish control to him.
Keep verbalizing what I feel, please. :)
Marianne
Yer cute, Marianne...sounds like you're having fun Sub stuff come up for you, too, yes?
oh nice. very nice. I want to comtemplate that question and share what comes up for me. On my way.
"What is the higher purpose of my specific set of sexual desires at this point in my life?
yummy.
nice post. thank you.
Post a Comment