...or more step.
My sex life isn't where it was when I started this blog. Nowhere near. Truth is, it's pretty fucking dismal on paper (if I had emoticons on here, there would be a smile). I'm not upset, angry, angsty about it. But I have been thinking about how my sex life and drive have shifted over the years.
I'm guessing one thing I'm not too happy about is that I'm old enough now to have gone through lots of stages and actually have enough years to have that perspective and that many stages to write about. Now would be when you hear a Sigh.
Age, hormones, life circumstances, relationship status...all sorts of things have impacted how and how often I was interested in sex and how that interest got met.
I started being sexual at age 15. My teenage sexuality was fueled by teen hormones, booze and angst.
At age 19, I met my future husband. I was voracious in my sex life with him as our bodies were made for each other and we were passionately in love. Our sex life was perfect until I no longer wanted him.
By age 22 we had a colicky daughter. I had a husband who dealt with his stress by leaving lots. Poor man, he couldn't deal with the responsibility of a new child...one he hadn't planned on and certainly not one who screamed for hours each day the first three months. I got angry.
Because we were really smart, we had two more kids and started a business together over the years when we should have gotten divorced. The angrier I got the less desire I had for him, until I had none. Did I just lose it for him? Or was it just my physical and emotional exhaustion? No clue, probably both.
We had sex about 1-4 times a month. I occasionally let go of my pain and was present/got into it. But usually I saw our sex during that time as self-protection fucking because he was always in a better mood when he had gotten laid. It got to the point that I felt so distant that I couldn't kiss him, involuntarily turning my head when he would approach me. Because he had "needs, " and my libido was low from all that my life was at that time, I suggested on a number of occasions that we find a second wife (never happened).
And isn't it funny that the period when most people are exploring and being highly sexual, I was shut down? I find that so odd.
Then, at age 33 when I became an orphan and woke up, I started to get horny. Still not for him, initially, but my sexuality reawakened. With time I returned to horniness for him and our sex life got pretty amazing again. It still took me five more years to muster the courage to break up my family, but I finally did it. And even though our sex was great, I haven't missed my relationship with him one day.
I was 38, ready to play and moved into a stage of wanting only fuckbuddy sex. I was horny, horny, horny. I had lots of play partners, took my Tantra training, had a relationships in there that moved beyond fuckbuddy stage but got complicated because the guys wanted more from me than me from them. Always a bummer and not easy to extricate oneself from when one is a senstive sort.
I started to explore all sorts of partnership permutations, experiences, adventures. I became a Courtesan which is chronicled here. I had threesomes, fivesomes and moresomes. I attended orgies, wounded my heart a few times, had women lovers, did exhibitionist stuff, explored BDSM; found/felt/experienced God more than twice in sex, found my body was capable of stuff I hadn't even heard of before. I was Sexy Mama on the prowl, sexing my way through life. It definitely had its challenges, but I was happy. Very happy. The happiest I've ever been.
Enter relationship ten years later...
At first, sparks fly, sex is hot and I'm going place I haven't gone before because I'm involving my heart more. Then the move in, Life...and things sexual start to unravel. It began in Fall 2006, when I lost trust and he got beyond-nightmare business stressed. It peaked last year this time until around August. If I believed in retributional karma (which I don't) I could say that it was payback time for my marriage, smiles.
But it wasn't all him. I had shut down, too. Although much better now, I was stressed during that period, too. With that stress, my body regressed in lots of ways....less energy, less inclination to exercise, stress eating and drinking more. My body was/is wigging out hormonally. My orgasms have shifted.
During a part of that cycle last year, I put up a wall. I got tired of asking for intimacy. I felt like I give unendingly here on all levels imaginable and be damned if I was willing to have to be the sole gatekeeper of the sex, too. Especially since when we did have sex, the focus had gotten to be pretty one sided. And although I may have a difficult time asking for things outside the bedroom, in the sheets, I don't. Plus, I mean...dammit...I get paid for this stuff...WTF?
With lots of talking, we're shifting. Just as our intimacy in everyday life has increased tenfold and he is showing up in relationship more and more, I believe this part will return with him, too. I'm still of the mind that when he feels whole around Life, the sex will be what it was on track to be.
Just as my libido has shifted over the years, I believe lost fire can return to relationships when both people want it to. I want fire again, will have fire again, can feel fire building inside me. I hope to find it met here.
Savory, Spicy Yams
1 month ago
20 comments:
What's rebuilding the fire for you? I have been going through some similar stuff, as you know, with my marriage. I have hit road blocks quite a few times. I'm starting to think that maybe I have to also know what it is I think he can or should do to rebuild the fire....
Cause I'm hurt and angry if he doesn't do it. I am scared when he doesn't do it. I am frustrated if he doesn't do it.
Sometimes he just doesn't know what to do. I'm figuring out that he actually needs me to tell him how he can fix things. He's figuring out some of the things on his own too because he's a terrific and really smart man....but he's not a mind reader.
And he's been letting me know that he appreciates the direction....and that he is relieved when I tell him he put his foot in it wrong.
Still....it seems that for the most part, I don't know how to get where I want to go with him. I have this vision for an outcome, but no idea how to get there.
And I am frequently assailed with doubts that he's able to achieve that vision with me.
The hope is growing though...and I've also been noticing that the effects of changing the nature of my prayers about this seems to be having a positive effect. I stopped praying for 'the one' or for him to be thus and such or for me to have thus and such in some specific way.
Now I'm just praying that my needs are met and that I be able to recognize that when it happens and know how to nurture that event again. Seems to be making huge shifts in me and in outcomes.
Still not sure how that end spot will arrive though....
What am I doing to rebuild the fire? I'm shifting internally, not allowing myself to be stagnant any more. I'm remembering who I am instead of feeling stuck, lost, not standing for what I want (to not cause "hurt"). I always find that when I'm telling/standing in the truth to myself about something, all sorts of energy is relesed in all areas of life.
I'm not telling Loverman what to do. What I am doing is being clear about my wants/wishes/desires and that I'm taking responsibility for getting what I want- i.e. I'm not going to wait any longer to have passion in my life. He then has to look at himself to see where he fits in that (i.e. making his choices).
If he continues to decide to stay lost in his stress, I understand, love him, but cannot choose to stay there with him (as I have been choosing to do so).
It's that thing of standing in your Truth, not blaming the other, not blaming yourself. It just is what it is. Kinda like you said:
"Now I'm just praying that my needs are met and that I be able to recognize that when it happens and know how to nurture that event again. Seems to be making huge shifts in me and in outcomes."
You call it praying, I call it telling my Truth, deciding and intending....same energy to me and looks like lots of the same outcomes.
Deciding and intending and standing in your truth will lead to your fire returning and being returned, Gillette...
I hope Loverman steps up to the plate because you are such an interesting, nice, intelligent and passionate woman.
If not, you will choose elsewhere, which is wise. Maybe someone new will be a better match for where you are now.
No-one as live and vibrant as you should have to sacrifice passion. Someone else's stress is THEIR choice - it doesn't have to be your life...
This young woman moving through life post is the first time I have seen that side of you sewwtie. Thank you.
I think we all move through different stages in our lives, our thought process, our wants, desires and needs. If you have a partner is it friggen wonderful is you both happen to be moving the same way together because if you're not you're going to have problems.
You are fortunate in that you can talk to Loverman and express your needs and desires. An awful lot of people cannot do that ... what if he thinks I am a freak, whay if she finds me unattractive ... so many reasons why we hold back.
If you can't let it all out in front of your partner, who can you let it out with? The boys at the bar? The girls in the knitting circle? Perhaps a blog?
The alternative is to hold it back which, more often than not I believe, leads to resentment and unhappiness and the sex you once enjoyed together dries up (no pun intended). Add to all that the simple fact that we are aging and can no longer perform we did 25 years ago on one side of the coin but we can perform so much better on the other side of the same coin. Pretty vicious circle, no?
The chances of partnering with a woman or man who remains horny into their 60s or more are pretty slim. Even into their 50s.
Could that be because most people of that age group have been in very long relationships by the time they reach that age and they have become somwehat bored of the same old, same old? I would bet that if you took those same two people and gave them a new partner, the sex would be pretty damn hot, for a while at least.
You know how my marriage went over the last fires years ... sex was very intermittent at best and very painful (mentally). I was 53 and 4 months after I left and was on my own, I hooked up with a woman who was a year older than I was. We only went together for a couple of months but the sex was more frequent, more exploratory and so much better that it was in my 20s or 30s and even better than the first 6 years of my marriage when anything between 2 people was on the menu.
I think we both seek pretty much the same thing Gillette ... a partner who wants to devour us 3, 4, 5 times a week, maybe more.
Hi, Annie...
And thanks for stopping by and your kind words.
And isn't it funny that when I stopped believing I had to be quiet to not create even more stress for him, but rather just kept speaking that things moved? It's so difficult at times when in the middle of things...then there is the fear of hurting another. That's when it's most vital to speak and when we are most apt to get lost in ourselves, yes?
But, yeah...find it here or find it there!
Yeah, George...devoured 3,4,5+ a week. And guess what? "Devour" was part of Loverman's ID online when we met...hahaha...
I know it's there. It just wants to shine more. I hope it does.
Re: libido going down with age...I do think it has an aspect to that, but I also think it has to do with cultural expectations. And it just means that sex is different.
Richard Schnarch, a marriage and sex therapist, wrote a book called "Passionate Marriage." That, and books by therapists Gay and Katie Hendricks provide tools for exponential intimacy in relationship. Both are about truth, not caretaking..that when we start caretaking, the sexual energy dies. Schnarch thinks that real sex doesn't even start until we are 50 and only gets better. It just has to do with how we handle our sexuality. I like that theory.
I read about your life, Gillette, and I say "wow!" - it has been such a full one and so much more to go. I am sure that you will have your fire again. Me, I would love to have fire for the first time. Still waiting...and waiting...
I have been struggling with low libido for months now, and was considering a post of my own. I think it is the heartburn medication I take.
I feel for you and hope that fire returns with 5 alarms.
Very interesting G, and thanks for the insights. I had just a few cheeky observations. (Yes, amusement is what we all need more of!)
But I do recall some of the past history here. And this is just priceless: "The angrier I got the less desire I had for him, until I had none...." But "We had sex about 1-4 times a month. I occasionally let go of my pain and was present/got into it. But usually I saw our sex during that time as self-protection fucking because he was always in a better mood when he had gotten laid".
Well yeah. If every wife actually thought and acted the same way, we'd probably have fewer divorces, and marriages lasting just a bit longer. This says less about that sort of selfless 'think of England' sort of 'sacrifice' and more about knowing how to actually get along and managing in a functioning relationship that you may still value. There's plenty of wives who never quite acknowledge these needs, their own or their partner's.
But standing in truth, at anytime, anywhere is as dangerous as it is necessary sometimes. You just reached the end of your line. Work today & work related stress is probably one of the principal causes of infertility in the under 35 set, and is responsible for plenty of 'lost passion'.
It's an interesting perspective you present, but I've heard from not a few mom's who would be only too happy to have those fires 'extinguished' (!) due to them being too overly burdensome without a willing & available partner. Which is as sad as it is predictable.
I think you're right, this passion thing need to be constantly rekindled and rejiggered for the new circumstances of the day. But this assumes that one or both of the parties actually has the time and inclination to do so with you. There's the rub for many couples.
But everything can have an impact here: the coming & presence of children to care & nurture, declining health status, drug interactions, the Normal operations of many drugs for the ongoing treatment of many diseases, age, declining function and inactivity, psychological & physiological stress & timing. Eventually during some extended periods, several slot machines worth of probabilities may have to line up before anyone hits the 'jackpot'. And that's always a bummer. Thanks for the interesting post G.
Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
Hey Gillette:
Good to see you again in 2008. Saw that you swung by - Thanks. One 'blog-resolution' for this year is to respond in my comments to others comments like you do - I always enjoy your responses to the comments on your blog. Thanks for the inspiration.
Reading you over the last couple years caused me to 'double-take' this entry at first. I always see you as the sexual goddess, guide and mentor (not your wish I know). To read about you not being where you want to be sexually with Loverman is a wonderful reminder of the work needed to maintain this sexual connection as our non-sexual intimacies with someone expand.
Babushka and I are still in that "sexual honeymoon" stage, but even with that I still struggle sometimes with what I want or she wants. We had a great discussion regarding her desire to be submissive to me. I still carry the wounds of a 15 year marriage where even thinking about sex was bad.
Anyhow, I have been unsure about the dominant/submissive, as I adore Babushka and want to be loving and caring with her. I also have this fear of rejection if I misunderstand what she wants and ends up getting angry with me (more wounds from the past). We were able to speak of it at great length and the result was our quick orgasmic Sunday evening.
Thanks for always being so open on your blog with who you are and where you are. It inspires others (such as I) to do the same.
It is sometime strange for me to think my 20's and 30's were pretty dormant sexually, with 40 being the beginning of my 'awakening'. I look forward to my 50's (Babushka will be in her 40's and still insatiable if I have anything to do with it)
Sage..yours will come, cum and cum some more. And it will be a good thing!
Hey, Silent Male..yeah...meds can influence libidos. Nasty. Hope it returns or you don't need them any more.
Hi, VJ-
Good points and amusements, all.
The challenge, I think is how to deal with differing libidos. Most couples have it as an issue to varying degrees. Ultimately, it can lead to "holding hostage" situations (which I've written about) if the relationship is a monogamous one. I think this issue is one of the most common for couples counselling. All sorts of reasons, as you say, but in the end, it results in bad feelings of many sorts.
I've been totally flummoxed in this, though as I've never been in any sort of relationship where, as it has felt like "I wasn't wanted." Totally new one for me, and probably good for me.
I've been assured that isn't the case. But it's been odd, to say the least.
Hi, Kahuna...
I think one of the things that excites me is that I think that even though we've been living together for two years now, we kinda bypassed much of the honeymoon period. I think, if we keep going, that we'll get a delayed one.
Re: BDSM- I've been recommending a great blog on BDSM called "Tea and Oranges." Although it is a blog where the couple stopped writing, the wife, Elizavetta is writing on her blog called "Vespertine Erotica." I put the Tea and Oranges link in my blogroll.
It's BDSM done from a Taoist perspective and beautifully done. Highly recommend it!
"And isn't it funny that the period when most people are exploring and being highly sexual, I was shut down? I find that so odd."
And when exactly would this period be? I think most women who are in the middle of having and raising their children while trapped in monogamous relationships with partners they are angry with tend shut down sexually. no?
This is going to sound rude but I don't mean it to sound that way. I'm glad to hear that you struggle as well, not that I want you to be unhappy or struggling but because it's good for me to understand that we all struggle.
I look up to you a great deal and I get frustrated when I don't seem to make progress, when things go backwards, but it seems I'm not alone and that's a good thing. It actually gives me hope.
Does that make any sense?
I am glad that things are better for you two and that he is showing up in the relationship more.
I want my fire back as well, it seems to almost out at times.
Ha, Adrienne...what I meant by that was that my projection is that the 20's and 30's are times when many, many, most are exploring sexually. It's "supposed to be" the time of high sex drive, when people "are hot," etc.
I would imagine that many women are in this catagory (there are plenty of stories about that, too), but in general "we" think young=hot ane exploring. Maybe that's an unrealistic expetation/pressure to "perform" on them.
Hi, Deb- No offense felt, not at all. Understand completely. Yours will come back, for sure. You're going through a huge transition now and all sorts of things will be shifting for you, don't you think? Time..it takes time. Hugs.
'm not telling Loverman what to do. What I am doing is being clear about my wants/wishes/desires and that I'm taking responsibility for getting what I want-_________________
Now if everyone could bring that to the relationship they are in we would be in heaven and fucking angels... I admire you greatly for your ability to stay where you are at. Absolutely things shift with speaking. The spirial of silence, a term I believed used by Neuman
(http://www.tcw.utwente.nl/theorieenoverzicht/Theory%20clusters/Mass%20Media/spiral_of_silence.doc/(
) is relevant in relationships of two just as it is in societies as a whole. When we stop speaking, we stop communicating, we stop doing that thing that makes sex great. Our chakras start to close, our minds become narrow and we turn our focus toward what we perceive to be the others faults.
Gillette I know you know this, I am amazed however at how you have mastered this technique and it is still so hard for so many of us and even more of us never realise. ...
There is nothing worse for a smoker than being shipwrecked with 200 cartons of ciggarettes and no light. Your fire will come blazing back I am sure in the cycle that is this amazing life, keep the communication going ....and you will be blazing.... love you
So true, Warrior..to stop the Truth from coming out of our mouths, stops the energy...which is about sex. It's just sometimes it's so easy to do so when in the middle of stuff. We get blinded, thinking we are making things better by not speaking and "keeping the peace," when all we're doing is contributing to a slow death...
But I just wish we had little fairies reminding us when we're in the middle of our interal shaiza...hehehe...need me to get one of them.
Hey Gillette - I feel and hear what you are saying...and I am sure my latest posts have been a tad odd but in that spirit, just let go, put out in that universe of ours your desire for the spark, the fire...Eros and it will come to you then when it does...do not over think it. Take it, live it and let go.
It will happen, write about it more, think of it as a goal or future and the universe will rearrange things for you. ;-))
Cheers
Hey Gillette -- Way too tired to throw in my own two cents or ramblings... Just wanted to say I was completely happy to read this. You are much less sarcastic and much kinder than I am... nonetheless, I relate to much of what you write. A pleasure, as always, to encounter your honesty.
More recent stories on work stress, from the BBC:
[http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/mpapps/pagetools/print/news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7203088.stm]
" Work stress 'changes your body'
A stressful job has a direct biological impact on the body, raising the risk of heart disease, research has indicated.
The study reported in the European Heart Journal focused on more than 10,000 British civil servants.
Those under 50 who said their work was stressful were nearly 70% more likely to develop heart disease than the stress-free.
The stressed had less time to exercise and eat well - but they also showed signs of important biochemical changes.
The studies of Whitehall employees - from mandarins to messengers - started in the 1960s, but this particular cohort has been followed since 1985. .."
Cheers, 'VJ'
Thanks for the reminders, Alexa- It's been slowly returning since about August. I'm not pushing, just flowing with all of it. Thanks, again...
Hey, Sulpicia! Yes, we were both questioning lots in relationship last year. I'm thinking that there is, indeed, hope. I'm happy that you are finding some, too.
Thanks, VJ. I think it does lots to the body itself on a biochemical level, but also really affects the mind in all ways, which makes us even more tired/lethargic in all areas. I don't like it.
YES YES YES :)
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