Life This July

Life's been fun here, full of adventures. I got to visit two bloggy friends while on the road. Both are at change points in their lives. Cool.

Two of my Beloveds had birthdays last week. I traveled south for my Mariah's 26th, then back up for a weekend celebrating A's.

Our small town had a reunion on Friday and I got to see people I hadn't seen in ages.

I met many of them when I was doing births. One woman is in love again after her partner suddenly died two years ago. She said her beau (who is newly divorced after a painful marriage of 35 years) is fascinated by her relationship. He cannot fathom how people can be married for 25 years and be as madly in love the day one dies as when they met. When she spontaneously shared about her newly re-awakened sex life and said "I haven't told that to anyone," I simply smiled and said that people often ended up talking to me about their sex life. I'm curious about that because they do.

I saw a formerly buxom women, now sans breasts, braless in a silky shirt, twirly dancing around the floor the whole night, laughing and hugging everyone she saw. She made me so happy.

One woman, over from Hawaii, told me the story of how she named her daughter after mine (an unusual name). Said she had been waiting 25 years to tell me the story.

At least half the women who came up to talk to me whispered "we're all getting so old." Yup...there are wonderful things about growing up in a community, but that mirror of gray hair, wrinkles and inches on waists isn't always an easy one.

The celebrating continued last night with A's small birthday dinner and party. It was closing night of a play her son was in. Great fun. Then back to the house for cake and watching old runs of The Midnight Special. Man...Rod Stewart was one skinny guy. Peter Frampton had hair. Aretha, Richard Pryor, David Bowie, The BeeGees (the Jonas Brothers of the 70's)...was great fun remembering "moments" in time.

And then there are the sleeping arrangements.

Let's see....A and J are married and have other lovers. R is visiting and is still being monogamous with her honey. Because she won't be sexual with J right now, she's been quite bossy about me fucking him so she can watch. Watch, R? As if ;) I think they keep talking about it to tease me. Have I ever mentioned on here that sometimes they make me cry? On purpose?

I've been sleeping in A and J's usual poly-fucking bedroom. R's been platonically sleeping with them. But last night A's boyfriend, K, was over. His wife (she's so cool and very close to A) left and I wondered if A and K wanted to use the bedroom. So I went in and started the night off with R and J. A eventually came to bed, I went back to my usual room. This morning I wake up to A reading on the couch, J giving R a back massage in bed.

It sounds so funny to me writing about this as I imagine how most of Middle America responds in fear and judgment to this kind of living and loving. But in the middle of it, to us it's all so normal.

And tomorrow I start whoring again. This makes me very happy.

Carry on...

The Art Of Companionship- Touch

Photo is "Male And Fmail Hands Set 06" by FantasyStock at Deviant Art.

Something shifted when Albert asked me to renew our relationship in its old form. I guess it was the right idea at the right time.

As I re-embrace being a Courtesan again, I am thinking about all that I love about it. There's something magic about someone wanting to give you scads of money just to hang out and smooch and have fun. Beyond great for a battered ego :)

Logic tells me they have to find value there to be willing to do so. So, I continue to ask: what do I bring that would make this man want to renew our Patron/Courtesan thing after being infinitely clear that he would not go there again?

I have identified some elements that I think go into being a good companion. I talked about what I think is the most important quality, Listening, a couple of years ago.

Today I'd like to talk about a piece in that post about Touching.

Secret #1- listen/feel/tune into to how your lover touches you.
They are letting you know how they like to be touched

That statement is true in a broad sense. If someone touches me with strong hands, this tells me there's a good chance that feathers aren't their thing. If they spend lots of time on touching, that tells me they probably like to be touched. If they want to "get down to business" right away, that informs me, too. If he is very oral, I do more orally focused stuff on him.

Implementing this one secret has made many a man think me "a good lover." And it's so simple. Just follow their lead...not right away so you're copying them in the moment, but listen to what they're telling you then use it in your mix.

But there's another element here that I'd like to focus on in this discussion.

Most people have never been touched deeply, with full presence and intention. It makes makes sense to me that those who have never received this kind of touch might not know how to give it. In this case, a good companion will introduce new ways of being with the body that the patron may never have considered.

People can feel when someone is in their hands. I sure can feel when they aren't. They don't feel like they are focused on me at all- feels like they're just going through the motions. Their movements are jerky. There is no tenderness, no connection.

Conversely, there is a way to touch that illicits a sigh and a shiver. There is a way to somatically listen to the muscles when giving a massage...a communion of fingers and muscle. If a muscle is kneaded too soon it will spasm in protection. But when touched just the right way and at the right time, it will open and release. Short, chaotic strokes leave a person feeling more disconnect than ease. Pulling away quickly after someone has come (whether with mouth or hands) can be startling to them.

There is an art to touching. Many people just have it down innately, but it can also be learned.

When in doubt- slow down and put all your attention in your hands. Start by just holding your hand over the skin. See if you can feel anything before you touch. Then slowly put your hand on the skin, just touching the surface. Slowly make small, undulating circles with your fingers and palms...gently moving the skin over the muscles. Focus on the sensations. Play. Then go deeper, putting all your attention into imagining the muscles melting like butter in your hands. After a bit, imagine the energy of your fingers going all the way to the bones.

Any movement done slowly changes it from nice to exquisite. Any movement when accompanied with this imagining your energy going into the person shifts it from mindless rubbing to feeling it in the soul. The body knows when we're there.

When a body is touched the right way, the mind follows suit. And while the body is the primary vehicle we tend to focus on in Courtesan relationships, I believe that it's only when the mind is touched that the patron will find value.

Photo is "Male And Fmail Hands Set 06" by FantasyStock at Deviant Art.

Cuz Ain't It All About The Fireworks?

Change

The other day a good friend of mine asked me how I change.

My first response was that my most profound changes came from doing cathartic breathwork and Tantra. That doing all that stuff magically shifted me at my core without knowing what had changed or how, just that it had. That the mind got bypassed and I only noticed the changes later when I had a flash that I was now responding differently to a situation that would have triggered me in a particular way before.

And then there are the sorts of shifts that I accomplished by rewiring my brain. I believe many of our actional and emotional responses get stuck in neuronal grooves that are difficult to reroute. I have changed certain behaviors by focusing on them and retraining the synaptic firings. The best example of that would be that years ago I used to procrastinate with just about everything. I justified it because I was so busy with a company and family. But it only made things worse. Life was chaotic, I was always ridiculously stressed at deadlines. I had to retrain my brain by the mantra "stitch in time saves nine."

At first I would forget and repeat the old pattern, forgetting the mantra until it was too late. As time went on the gap between thought and action got closer and closer together until I was acting on stuff in a timely, organized manner.

I was gentle with myself during the interim, knowing that life might get even more choatic for awhile as I simultaneously caught up and got ahead. But I changed how I operated and have pretty much maintained that to this day in the "getting things done" department.

So, I feel I can consciously retrain my brain to change certain behaviors. From what I've experienced so far, I'm not so sure about the unconscious stuff, though- the stuff that really controls lots of how we respond to and create our lives.

At this point, I know I believe it's our unconscious shit that keeps repeating patterns in our lives and relationships. This unconscious stuff is powerful and difficult to change from all I can see. Definitely consider myself a student of it. In fact, it continues to be my primary area of study, whether reading science or mysticism. I do believe that the conscious mind can accelerate change in the un. I also believe that it's possible that the only reason it's difficult for me to change my unconscious mind, is because it's what I've been taught and I believe it's so. We shall see.

Today, I'm noticing that I have this subtle thing I do. I have this thing about being "the fixer" in my relationships. It's like I can't stand it when someone I love is in pain. I'll do just about anything to "be there for them" to "support them," try help them find a solution, try to make it go away so they're happy again. I may be kinda like a guy (aren't guys "supposed to" be "the fixers?") in this. It's like if someone I love is telling me they are in pain, I consider it my job to make it right for them.

Bluck.

I have this saying that every personality trait has it's beneficial aspects and aspects that don't serve relationships so well. Being supportive is important in life. But without balance, things get messed up for all concerned. In fact, it often mucks up things for the receiver of my "support" even more because it comes from a place of my imbalance.

I believe that this part of me got its PhD as a mom. As moms, we have to anticipate, tend to, intuit kids' needs. We have to put ourselves aside.

When they are small.

Yet still, to this day, when my grown kids are troubled, at my core I believe that it's my job to get them out of it. That if I don't I'm a failure as a mom.

What the fuck is that all about? I know that's bullshit. And how dishonoring to put on them that they are somehow not able to handle their own lives...like they are stupid, incompetent weaklings and need me to figure them out? (Grossly exaggerating to try and portray the extreme of this, mkay? Oh...and to be clear: I only "share" when they ask, I don't butt in. In fact, they usually want me to give them more feedback than I'm willing to offer as I want them to find their own way. But I'm talking here about my feeling/solar plexus responses, my angst about their pain and my inability to make their lives perfect. )

Ah, yes, we take ourselves wherever we go. I am noticing that I bring this aspect of my personality to my relationships with men in a big way. I get this flash that this may be a piece of why I have believed that I do better when not in relationship. I assign myself huge responsibility when in relationship to the point where I overstep my own boundaries. It's not like they ask me to do all I do. I just do it to "be supportive." I do it "because I love them." I do it because "it's me." And when I get out of balance with it, I choose to do it until I wear myself to the bone.

I don't want to do this any more. Not for myself, not for the men. It serves no one.

The most difficult part is the slipping back into the old patterns. Gaaaa, this shit can be so sniggly. I so easily revert back to old patterns of reaching out and "taking care of." I hear pain and I immediately go to "how can I make it better for them?"

What's up with me that I can't just sit with those I love when they are in pain? Why am I willing to overstep my clear internal boundaries?

Because they hurt. And because some of my decisions have triggered their hurt buttons. And today I am doing some similar situations differently, which I project only triggers the buttons more.

At this point I realize I can't change my inner responses. I get this visceral response which I cannot control. I believe this shit is too ingrained to be gone in a month or a year. I accept that there's a good chance I'll have them my whole life. Who knows?

But I can change my outer response and just sit with my discomfort when I've decided to no longer go to "fix it for them" mode. I'm just listening and sitting more with those I love when they're in pain. Feeling my inner urge to "suggest" and offer insight, do, fix, make it better so they don't have to feel their pain. And not doing it.

It's difficult because I could do more. I could easily step over my boundaries and "make it better." And I'm not. Fuck, it's hard. Prime Directive tweakies are high these days. And it's OK.

I'm getting closer and closer to remembering my ducks in the moment and at least not acting out my old patterns. I'm being gentle with myself.

I think I'm changing. (???)

Whatever it is, it feels good. Scary but really good.

Feeling Kinda Quiet

I haven't been online much but when I am and I go visit blogs, I have very little to say.

Life's been so amazing these past few days as I watch couples (me and D, and others) come up against challenges and be with them.

I've been blown away by the power of Speaking One's Truth in an unblamey way. And the magic that can happen, the doors that open and the energy let loose when both are able to stay there and get to the core of what's really going on.

I've been thinking about the ways that people use the phrase "telling my truth." We don't always mean the same things.

I've been thinking about how we use the word "listen." I use it as meaning to simply hear and understand what the other is saying. I notice my daughter speaking to her son and remember being a parent and using it in other ways...like not just hearing and understanding but also a requirement of "doing" associated with it. I'm wondering how we carry that emotional meaning forward into our adult relationships and if this is one reason we want to avoid clearing challenges.

But mostly today I feel like there is a huge vortex of incredible, positive energy heading my way. Got a glimpse of it this weekend and it felt totally freeing. I like feeling that way again.

Ducks

I was a very troubled teen. Suicidal. Cried all the time. For some odd reason I became obsessed with the Holocaust, being molested, the civil rights movement...pretty much anything having to do with humanity's pain and our capacity for cruelty to each other.

I found out lots of my schoolmates were in pain, also, but no one talked about it. I made a vow to never intentionally do harm, always try to see what lie beneath the smiles and relate to that as best I could. Kinda became a Prime Directive for me.

This does not mean the things I did or said never resulted in others feeling hurt. I've made huge mistakes through sheer naivety, unconsciousness, stupidity and blindness. Huge. There are people who hate me. But I've always tried my best to tread tenderly when it comes to others' hearts.

There have been times where the choices I've made have hurt those I love the most. These choices have never been easy. The speaking of my truth in them beyond difficult. My divorce stands out. I decimated a family because I chose my life over it. In the end, it was the best thing for everyone...but it certainly didn't look that way when I left. Four people were in lots of pain around it for a number of years.

I've made difficult choices for my wellbeing since then. Choices that have resulted in misunderstanding, pain, confusion for myself and others. But I've found that when I remember to realign my ducks and get them back in the proper order...in the end, just like my divorce, it always ends up being the best thing for all concerned if people are open to learning about their part in the dance. We may not be able to see the light for awhile, but I've learned to trust The Truth, even when it's fucking hard to speak it.

My ducks?

They are my hierarchy of commitments:

1) To my Spiritual Path
2) To my physical and emotional wellbeing (because if those aren't in order I am worthless to myself and anyone else)
3) To my family (which used to be "my children" followed by "a man" in the #4 slot, but is now merged)

My ducks have been out of alignment. I have taken steps to realign them.

I am very, very sad tonight. Afraid. Not wanting sadness or pain for another. Wondering how my words will be received. Wondering what the future looks like. Wondering what it means to grasp and flow. Wondering.

Yet, it is what it is.

Random Miscellany

I just went to see a new documentary on Burning Man called Dust and Illusions. If you've ever had interest in this event, it's a good way to learn about its history. Taught me that you never know where something will take you.



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I've been busy,busy lately with Life and such. Some temp work, which involves mindless tedious repetition...which means I've been thinking lots about stuff (of course).

One thing that crosses my mind is that as odd as my life is, I'm glad it's mine. I'm glad I take chances. I'm glad I risk, feel, and yes, even hurt when I do because it means I'm not cutting myself off from Life.

In fact, I've decided I don't take enough chances. I came to this realization when wondering why I would create going from being such a Buddha to such a wreck a few years ago and realized I was bored with life. It was way too "known." I've kinda alluded to it within myself and on here from time to time, but today was the first time I truly owned it.

Yes, it appears that I prefer chaos that's creative and full of potential than boring safety. I prefer to be part of the energy of charting the new instead of sitting in sameness, even if it rips me apart. Because it's through contrasting experience that the new is discovered.

Plus it gives me material to whine about (as it's my preferred art form).
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I adore how my year and a half old grandson loves to sing. Lalaaalalaaalalalaaaaaaaaaa. He took his first true multiple step walks today. He's a bit late, but I've been saying for a long time that I think that's because he can't run yet. I swear they shudda named him Calvin.
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I got to go to my favorite chiropractor today. When I finished, my body was streaming orgasmic energy. This, and the fact that my eyelashes have grown out again make me very happy.
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I've been spending lots of time with A and J. It's nice. I'm glad they like me.
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I've been drinking lotsa kefir. And may I take this opportunity to whine about the fact that I'm infinitely tired of seeing headlines on my Yahoo homepage about "the six foods that reduce belly fat" and "ten foods to burn fat," etc. They're always shit I already regularly eat: Kale, avocados, berries (esp. blue...my breakfast this morning, helloooooo), quinoa, kefir, yadayadayada, tomatoes, more kale, yogurt (plain), apples, almonds, depending on the list. Isn't there some new one I can find out about that might actually do the trick?

And that would be the tittillating news in my life.

Leonian Grasp And Flow

Yeah...so it just hit me that it will be interesting watching the rest of the year and how it plays out. If last year was The Year Of The Heart, the first half of this year appears to be about flow, allowing and learning The Ways In Which I Grasp. And no longer doing so.

Last night I went to my Women's Group. As I listened to all the goings on I was blown away by how all of us are going through a similar energetic. We are all in the middle of repeat relationship patterns. But, lo and behold, this time we are all realizing it and doing them differently. It'sa meercul!

All have to do with grasping- trying to make something work that doesn't fully serve us but that we think we want. I was especially curious about the three Leo's subtle variant. All had different "goings on" but all were about saying "no" to old ways of being with men. We aren't pushing. We aren't angry. We don't feel the need to be "militant Goddesses" protesting our "worthiness/deservingness" while everyone else nods their head in energetic agreement of our coming out of Victimhood (eeuw..hate that). We aren't caught in huge emotional upset.

Nope. We seem to be settling into ourselves more. (at least for last night :) )

My shift came last week. On Wednesday. Early afternoon after a phone call. Actually whispers started the day before when Albert asked me to start again, then things I noticed within myself after telling Loverman (want to now call him "D" on here) about it. Then after sleeping on it, some angst (unrelated to the Albert thing) and another phone call I felt something click. A letting go of sorts, I guess. Not in my love for D, but in how I respond and lose myself when he is stressed.

On Wednesday, a realization flashed in that I simply want what I want. I want it with D. But if I can't get it with him, I want it with someone else while still in relationship with him. And if he doesn't want to go there, then I will have it with someone else without him. It was a gentle awareness. A quiet voice. A Choice Point, a knowing, devoid of emotion.

It excites me to have a mirror from my closest Leo Ladies of no longer grasping or clinging to relationships that are about struggle at the core. It's not like everything has changed in the outer world, although much magic has happened for each of us this past couple of weeks. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not expecting that I won't lose myself again. I will never again put that pressure on myself of having "figured life out." This shit's a process.

But it appears that today, we're all lovingly saying to these men we love: "show us." We're not running, pushing against you or walling ourselves off from you because we love you. Deeply. We want you in our lives. We want to (and will be) be here for you when you want and choose to be with us us in the ways in which we want to experience love.

And we aren't waiting around.

We Leos will all take our steps at different paces. One's already fucking someone else :). One has declared that she will never allow another shamed cock inside her vagina. I, myself, am taking my time, being gentle with myself. I will not pursue, will not push. I will sit with and wait for a full on "yes" when something shows up. It's been interesting watching men start to flirt with me again. It's been a long while.

Feels good to be opening ourselves to the abundant possibilities that are out there for us. Feels kinda Leoniangly regal. Dommie.

The Runners

Been a stretch since I've done a thinky post. These days I've been pondering differences in how we deal with challenges in relationship. My pondering comes from my relationship, situations close friends are in and ponderings on relationship challenge styles with the men I was remembering in this post.

I have said many times that I believe we take ourselves wherever we go. What I mean by that is that I think how we operate in one relationship (whether with ourselves, our kids, our work, our primary love relationship or whatever) is how we operate in all our relationships.

I have noticed a few basic patterns:

1) There are those who do not want to address strong emotions. They withdraw, walk away, leave the person with strong emotions alone. I have decided to fondly call them The Runners. No insult implied. Simply is what it is.

2) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on in the moment. Often, since buttons are in the height of tweak, communication and working with the challenges can get...intense.

3) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on but after they've had some time to process theirs first to find out what's going on at a deeper level for them. When they figure themselves out, they are able to come to the discussion with information that is useful for all concerned.

Shit happens. Whenever two people know each other for any length of time, there is opportunity for challenge. Buttons get tweaked, feelings hurt. I personally prefer the last mode because I think that the mode in which things can get most quickly resolved. Intimacy is increased a hundredfold. This, for me, is the place of relationship magic at its highest expression: where hurts and buttons are transmuted to intense closeness as we both move beyond ourselves into Love.

I, myself, have experienced all three modes.

I prefer to address things straight on. I am happy to say I generally operate in the third mode these days. Being human (hate being imperfect) there are times core buttons get tweaked and I get lost in the second. But only temporarily. I feel like I've only really lost myself a three times in the past six years. All three times I was highly stressed, highly charged. But generally speaking, not much pushes my buttons. If they are tweaked, I speak my nonblamey Truth. If I am heard, energy is released and I move on.

One of the men I wrote about in the above mentioned post always operated in the second mode. He used to get really angry and share. It was often difficult wading our way through his issues and it got very uncomfortable from time to time. We would spend hours as he was relentless in our processing. Lots. Of. Work. However, I will happily embrace that mode over The Runners any day.

My experience with runners is that the relationship gets built on lies and withholds out of necessity. Every time I've been in relationship with someone who does not address things, I get the message loud and clear that I am not to tell when my feelings are hurt. Not to question unsettling or inconsistent statements. Not to disclose my deepest self. Because if I do, the person will leave. I am only acceptable when happy, balanced and "fun." If I get off balance, hurt, upset, then I am unlovable and will be left behind.

My experience is that people who operate in this mode don't communicate their departure or involve the other person in their process in any way. They simply ignore or disappear when anyone expresses anything they deem a stronger or uncomfortable emotion. If I'm feeling "analytic" I can point to theories that suggest this is controlling, passive/aggressive behavior of the highest order. What better way to control a conversation than leave it, quiet the person, abandon? There is no need to go deeper, no need to look within or at mirrors or parts of the co-creation. Opportunity for any intimate inner work is denied because the door shuts.

The emotional person is left sitting with nowhere to go but inward. The only thing they can do is bury or try to work within themselves to find balance (hard work). Burying can only go on for so long before they are left with only rage or distance/disengagement to protect themselves.

I have known a number of people who won't address strong feelings. Each of these people has told me that they think anger a "toxic" emotion. I have also experienced that when they finally do get angry they explode and get cruel, enraged...out of control with their rage. This frightens them. If they've caught themselves before the get lost in their anger then bury and run, when they deem it time to return they act like nothing has happened. Everyone is just supposed to take up from the point before the upset. I find it surreal.

The person I am closest to who deals with relationship upsets by avoidance is my youngest daughter. I guess I should say that she used to be a runner. It's been awhile since we've had problems. She isn't around and she's changed lots so maybe this isn't her way any more. Just before she left, she started to deal more in the second mode. Before that our relationship was constant, underlying, ongoing tension because nothing ever got resolved. It was only when she finally allowed her anger that we started to heal our relationship. But our history started me asking a number of questions:

I notice that all the runner people I've known interpret much stronger emotion in the other person that is actually there. I find that very interesting. Could it be that what they are seeing/interpreting is actually their own strong, buried emotions in the other?...that anything other than light and love is perceived as this HUGE proooooooblem and "drama." When, actually, what's really going on is that they are the ones who are creating more drama because they won't allow their emotions to flow?

Why does anger terrify them? Why do they judge it so?

Do they push away anger because they think if they express it they won't be loved any more?

Do they not understand their denial of this basic human emotion doesn't mean it's not in them?

Don't they see that their quiet screams just as loudly as any yelling?

Do they not understand that those around them get frantic to try and be seen/heard...their emotions acknowledged? That the more they withdraw, the louder the other has to be to match that? The relationships I've known where this mode dominates have shut down sexually and one or the other partner gets really angry. Often one or the other partner starts to cheat. Or they drink to bury the pain of being silenced.

Do they not understand that by not addressing an issue, it stays? But that if they do it dissolves? I remember one time my youngest was talking about how her sister and I had this huge fight...and how awful it was, how destructive and unhealthy. I didn't remember it. When I asked the sister, she had no memory of it, either. That said lots to me.

Dealing with stronger emotions can get testy, especially when both people's buttons get pushed. Even when we try not to, we generally get together with those who perfectly mirror our biggest woundings. Being in relationship of any length means that some day there is a good likelihood of upset. Being with someone we really care about almost guarantees it.

If both parties can feel and stay and listen, things might get strong...maybe even scary... for a short bit. But that short time passes quickly because that is the nature of emotions which are allowed to flow.

Things can only heal when brought to the light and dealt with. Burying dooms people to repeat their pattern in every important relationship until they turn and look their demons in the face...hopefully with someone they love who will help them shine a light on what's simply another emotion. And if they do, they no longer have to run. That even in their anger they can be loved.

Flow

Unexpectedly Big Day for me as my universe shifts.

It started off innocuously enough: lunch in Santa Cruz with Albert.

The lunch itself was one of the worst we've had...the entree took over one and a half hours to arrive. The food, marginal. I would no longer wholeheartedly recommend Gabriella...used to be great. Perhaps give it one more try? We're wondering if they changed hands.

But ultimately the delays were OK. It gave us time to talk. Lots.

Seems since our last lunch he's been thinking.

He asked that I be his mistress again. His offer is more generous than before.

As someone who sees flow as communication from the universe, lots of stuff comes up for me.

Basically I feel like a hurricane of swirling emotions. First, of course, is overwhelming joy/gratitude/relief. The other is confusion/sadness. I cried for about two hours on my way home, alternating between the two. I'm kinda dizzy. I mean like my head is actually spinning a bit. It's disconcerting.

So tonight, in this moment, I'm blown away by the manifestations of universal flow and its opposite and when those extremes seem to show up in my life. Repeatedly. And lest I possibly forget or deny, my daughter and dear friend were there remind me of this pattern.

Wondering what kind of a story to make of all this. The pain/sadness comes from the one snigglingly tugging at my brain so far.

So, I guess I'm gonna be whoring again. :)

I wasn't ready last year. I don't know if I would be with anyone else this year. But he feels safe, he's known.

And I'm letting go...don't know what of yet, except everything.